I logged on to Facebook for about the 37th time that day.
Another marriage proposal. I thought to myself.
I must have been growing up since I wasn't immediately nauseous like the typical reaction I give these announcements. I was genuinely happy for this couple. My dear friend Krystal Hughes had been proposed to. At a motocross event.
How she always wanted it.
I smiled as I remember her grabbing my hand making sure I wasn't getting lost in the hallways of North Valleys High School when I was 17.
Jess and Krystal. Senior Sunset. 2006.
17. Ten years ago.
If I had forgotten, there was my recent invitation just inches away from Krystal's picture of her huge new rock to my High School Reunion that celebrated ten calendars of my youth being gone. What a reminder.
Ew.
How did that time go by? I realized a decade was gone, and I couldn't get it back. While this wasn't necessarily a bad thing, I was happy to remind myself that many things have changed. Some great, some I find myself cringing at myself reflecting on.
I decided to write a letter to myself at the age of 17. If I decide to have children one day (which is the other trend on Facebook) I would want to share this with my daughter to let her know being a teenage girl is the most awful and atrocious part of my life she will ever experience, but she will learn more about herself through the bad times than the good.
Dear Jess,
17. Well, the good news is, it get's better. Maybe not all at once, but it does.
You're at an awkward age. First off, you're probably obsessed with your appearance. Well maybe not. You kind of just shower, put your hair up in a messy bun, grab your softball sweats and head out the door.
Classy, Jess.
BUT I understand how self conscious you are about little things. Typical teenage things.
STOP popping your pimples. I know you think you have the worst case of acne known to man, but guess what? It'll only get worse. I promise you babe, you will outgrow it. Until then, the continued assholes who make fun of your skin will one day feel bad about it. And in a few years that one guy who said "you should probably invest in Clearasil" will slide into your Facebook messages and ask you on a date because "you're a lot prettier than he remembers." Gross. No thanks.
You are weirdly obsessed with fashion, and the whole 'Abercrombie/Hollister' phase is slowly creeping up on you. But before you embrace the holes in your jeans and hoodie phase, you are going to deal with this crazy tomboy phase of your life.
You will outgrow it. You WILL eventually want to brush your hair and wear clothes that are more than sweats. Don't rush into that though. You never seem to stop bitching about how much your feet hurt no matter how beautiful or sexy those heels make you feel. Nicole gives you a makeover, and you turn into a monster obsessed with big hair and lip gloss. You'll do just fine.
Jess. C'mon.
I know you are basically only go to high school to socialize and play softball, but try to soak up as much knowledge as possible. Especially in Mr. Hoovers class. I know you may not think you'll ever "use any of this shit." But I can promise you, hidden in Hoover's lectures are life lessons. Don't worry though, you don't have to say goodbye to him. He won't leave or stop supporting you.
When it comes to support, remember your ride or dies. Not all of them will stay in your life, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. You had some amazing friendships throughout your life. You may not spend every waking moment with them and as hard as it hurts to hear, you will grow apart. But when that person's name is mentioned, you can smile knowing they were there for you and your friend during an awkward time.
Most of them suck and eventually let you down, that's okay.
"I would rather have four quarters than 100 pennies." You'll love this quote as you get older. Which is strange, because let's face it --- you're obsessed with attention.
Don't worry about Courtney Renee though. You won't be able to shake her if you tried. She's not going anywhere. She's literally calling you right now. Again. Because you didn't answer her previous call three minutes ago. Psycho.
Oh man, is this the part where we talk about boys?
Well, I'm 27 years old now and I still have no fucking clue.
Let's see you're 17...So you will think you're in love a couple times, meet your soulmate (but it won't work out because that's life), and date plenty of assholes. You don't stay with those assholes though. Whether it's you ending it because you used your brain instead of your heart (okay that's never really happened let's be honest) or they just showed their true colors. You continue to learn your lesson, and that's okay.
He's out there.
Or he's not, and that's okay too.
You will become distracted by so many things from here on out. You'll change your major in college many times, you will think taking a random road trip to meet a cute guy on Hot or Not is smart (you don't actually do this, but you considered it), you will befriend a LOT of toxic people, and you will put your friends before your family.
Shit happens.
Your heart will break over and over again. It could be because of a boy, but not always. Which will confuse you.
How can I possibly handle another heartbreak when my heart wasn't all the way healed?
Life, like you sometimes, can be a bitch. EMBRACE IT. It sounds weird, but I can promise you, you'll come out stronger.
You are very impatient, and that's alright. It's not always going to go your way. As a matter of fact, it rarely will. But you need to embrace the struggles you endure. Every time you make progress, a curveball will be thrown your way. And quit complaining, life is unfair to everyone.
Keep fighting that fight. You live a pretty awesome life. You have your dream job, you get to travel, and you have the most amazing friends and family in the world. Courtney even said you got hotter since high school which I will not confirm or deny.
But until you reach that point where you can kind of breathe and be content, it's going to be an emotional, trying time.
And you're going to love it.
See you soon, beautiful.
-Jess