I remember glancing at myself in the mirror after emptying the bathroom medicine cabinet. I have never seen my eyes so swollen and red. It hurt to cry, but that's all I could do.
The car ride from visiting my family to the house we once shared was a complete blur --- all three hours of it. I barely remembered it, but I was suddenly surrounded by boxes of memories and noticed I had way too many towels. As I walked over the picture frames that had been tucked away from their original show off spots, I just sat on the bed I used to share with him. The same bed he yelled at me from when he told me he hated my bed spread (which he replaced before I had collected my things), then I began to take down the decorations he said were tacky and as I closed the door behind me I remembered the time I got an earful because I "closed the car door too hard."
Maybe this breakup wasn't a bad thing, I thought to myself. This thought of course lasted less than a second as I folded up my clothes. The ones that were "too revealing" or the ones that looked "tighter on me." I had completely forgotten all of the things that had happened to me in between breakdowns. I simply thought it was normal the amount of fighting we were doing and how he would yell at me in front of his friends and THEY would apologize for him. I dismissed the times he said I should probably go to the gym and how he would call me a bitch or the times he only introduced me as "the girl he told them about who worked in sports."
At that moment I knew only these things: he cheated and it was my fault. I didn't lose enough weight, I didn't make enough money, I didn't cook enough, I wasn't sexy enough for him. He was right --- this was completely my fault. I brought it upon myself.
He walked in to the house as I filled up more boxes. The first time I had seen him since saying goodbye to him at the airport a few weeks before. He was smiling. The son of a bitch was smiling. Several days after telling me over the phone 3,000 miles away, he wanted me out of his house, he was smiling.
"What's up?" He asks.
I couldn't believe it.
I sat at the kitchen bar when he told me "you pushed me into doing this..." And he was right. I should have kept my mouth shut. I should have let him tell that beautiful girl on Facebook in the photo they shared together he loved her while he ignored my messages and calls. I let him ask "what the hell is wrong with you?" while I was simply being myself and trying to make people laugh. I let him belittle my family and friends, because he always knew what was right --- how people were supposed to be. Everything I did was wrong.
*****
Wait. No. Forget that.
I let him in. The girl who had walls up. I let him in. The girl who never told anyone anything personal. I let him in. The girl who struggled to trust anyone. I LET HIM IN. And HE took advantage of me.
He let me think all of the name calling and body shaming was normal. After months of processing it all, my friends and even his friends telling me it wasn't right, I knew it wasn't.
Breaking up is one thing. I understand --- not all things last forever and the true characteristic of someone shows with how they breakup with you --- not how they begin relationships with you. Luckily my feelings subsided, those ended. I no longer blamed myself for it.
Rihanna once said "never underestimate a man's ability to make you feel guilty for his mistakes." Queen Ri Ri was right. This isn't of course geared towards one gender --- anyone who blames YOU for their mistakes is a toxic person. They are unhappy and have underlying issues and that is so beyond your fault it's not even funny.
It's not easy to notice the signs. My best friend told me countless times what I was going through and how wrong it was and I didn't see it --- I didn't want to hear it. I was in this weird bubble and all I knew was him. I dropped weight for him, I worked for him, I ignored my friends for him to the point where I was so insecure I hated seeing anyone else happy because I knew I wasn't.
*****
Don't feel sorry for me if you read this. I'm better now. I have never been this happy, I rediscovered my confidence and I am filled with so much self love. I ooze it.
I also can recognize when I'm not being treated with respect whether it's a romantic relationship or a friendship. And for that I am thankful because I know what I deserve.
My message to you ladies and gentlemen is the moment you realize you need to change something about yourself for someone, you're already experiencing negativity and that will always lead to something bad. ALWAYS. Just remember that if you find your self-confidence, hold on to it. It's a precious and rare thing and you deserve it. It's not in someone else, it's in you.
Protect yourself. You are all you have.